Dealing With The Past
by Rosey Malone
Summary: Starsky tries to get Hutch to deal the trauma of the shooting, but things become difficult when Hutch holds a secret of his own. Sequel to Running Away From Shadows. Sorry for the long wait, but I wanted it to be perfect. Special thanks to a guest who gave me inspiration!


**Chapter 1**

"Good Morning, Officers." Dr. White smiled giving each detective a friendly handshake.

"Doc," Starsky sat back down in the chair, "I'm sorry if we're keeping you from other appointments but…"

"Oh now don't be silly," The elderly man gave them both a warm smile, "You called in saying it was of great urgency that I see you partner now and so I shall do exactly that."

He gently laid the blond officer down on the examining table.

"Now what seems to be the trouble?"

"Uh…" Hutch looked at Starsky for help in explaining the strange situation.

Giving his brother a reassuring squeeze on the hand, Starsky took it upon himself to explain their problems to the doctor.

"Well Doc, it uh…Hutch had some problems last night. I'm not sure but I think he had a flashback."

The doctor looked from Starsky to Hutch.

"Has this ever happened before?"

"No," Hutch sighed, "And it's got me really worried."

"Well now," Dr. White turned off the lights in the office and took out his pen light, "Let's take a look here."

A few minutes went by of silence as Dr. White examined Hutch's eyes. He asked Hutch to do different things such as look to the right or up. Starsky sat in patience in the chair across the bed.

Both men had a pretty good relationship with the friendly doctor. Dr. White knew better than to argue when one of them was hurt and the healthy partner wanted to see him. He had been treating both men for many years, and he was the only one whom Starsky and Hutch trusted enough to take care of one another, not just as patients.

After a few more minutes of examining Hutch, Dr. White turned the lights back on.

"So what is it?" Starsky asked worriedly.

"I believe your assumption was correct, Officer," Dr. White removed his glasses, "What made you guess it was a flashback he was having?"

Starsky ran a hand through his hair, "I've seen enough people have those from the Army."

"Yes, "Dr. White nodded, "But now we have a name for it. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD for short."

"What's that?" Hutch asked.

"It's a psychiatric disorder in which some people have difficulty getting on with their lives after experiencing some traumatic situation. Was there anything that has happened recently that could have triggered these flashbacks?"

Both men glanced at each other. Each man knew what the other was thinking.

"Yeah," Starsky sighed, "Last year I was shot three times by a hit man. Hutch took it pretty hard and he's been under a lot of strain."

"Well, witnessing such a trauma could be enough to set off such an attack," Dr. White looked at the blond officer, "Do you remember anything you saw that could've made you remember the shooting, Hutch?"

"No," Hutch sighed sitting up, "I was fine. We were watching a movie…I remember going to get a beer and waking up the next morning."

"How did you feel in the morning? Were you scared, confused, angry?"

"I was scared when I found out that I had hurt, Starsky." Hutch admitted still feeling the guilt inside for causing Starsky any amount of pain.

Starsky could read him like a book.

"Hey, don't worry about it," He smoothed the back of his fingers over Hutch's cheek, "You didn't hurt me bad. It was an accident."

"May I ask what you two are talking about?" The old doctor eyed both detectives in confusion.

"Nothing doc," Starsky shook his head, "Uh…how would you treat this?"

"That's where it gets complicated," Dr. White sat down, "You see, trauma to the mind is a delicate thing. This type of disorder needs a certain type of treatment. There's no guaranteed cure. Stiches can close a wound, but this is the mind we're talking about. There's no precise treatment. My medical opinion would be going to a mental therapist. People who have these problems usually begin to show recovery once they've talked it out. We can give you some prescribed medication…"

"No," Hutch's head shot up, "No drugs." He looked to his brother for support.

Starsky squeezed his hand in attempt to calm his agitated friend.

"You heard my partner, doc," Starsky replied sternly, "No drugs."

Dr. White nodded. He knew when not to question the stubborn brunet, especially when he was defending his friend.

"Well then the therapy will be vital for his recovery."

Starsky looked at Hutch. He knew if he could get the stubborn blond to talk to him about it, therapy wouldn't be needed. Once they opened up to each other, all the pain and sorrow was automatically drowned out.

"Just give us some time to sort this out, will ya doc?" The brunet asked.

"Very well," Dr. White replied politely, "But don't hesitate to call if you need me to make an appointment for you."

"We won't, "Hutch shook the doctor's hand and followed Starsky out, "Thank you."

**Chapter 2**

The drive home was quiet. Starsky didn't know what to say to console his soul mate. Occasionally, he would glance at the blond and find him staring out the window in silence.

Starsky knew how frustrated Hutch's probably was, and he didn't blame him. To be perfectly honest he was a bit frustrated as well. There was so much stress, when everything was supposed to be getting better. Starsky wondered if they would ever get a break from the hectic roller coaster ride they lived on. If it wasn't one of them getting physically hurt, they were broken emotionally. It all didn't make sense to Starsky but he knew he could only trust in two things…God and Me and Thee.

Once they had quit the force, but it proved to be nothing because they were still targeted. Starsky and Hutch realized then, that it wasn't being on the force that had made them accident prone. It was them being together, and since there was no way of getting over that, both men had decided to continue to push on. Now it seemed as if one problem was piling over another. Starsky just hoped he could help his friend somehow.

"Hutch…we havta talk about this." Starsky began hoping Hutch would agree.

He was quickly disappointed however, at the silence from the blond.

"Look, I know you went through a lot after the accident. You can't hide that from me. But, I was in the hospital then. I couldn't help you…."

"You were shot three times, Starsk," Hutch cut in, "You weren't supposed to help me with anything. All you have to worry about is getting better."

"How can you say that?" Starsky raised his voice irritated with his partner's stubbornness, "You are my best friend dammit! It doesn't matter if I'm hurt or not. Me and Thee means we looked out for each other. Just because I was hurting didn't mean you couldn't have come to me and talked about it!"

"Starsky, you already had enough on your plate!" Hutch shot back aggravated himself, "I wasn't gonna burden you with my problems too!"

"You are not a burden to me," Starsky squeezed his partner's shoulder, "Hutch, don't you know you're the most important person in my life? If anything happened to you I'd…" Starsky stopped knowing he couldn't go on with the lump lodged in his throat. He kept his eyes fixed on the road.

"Hey babe," Hutch caressed the brunet's cheek, "I'm sorry. I don't know why I didn't come to you sooner. I guess I just thought that time would heal us. It just started getting worse."

Starsky looked over at his brother and noticed the tears forming in his sky blue eyes as well.

"The nightmares were awful," Hutch's voice shook but he refused to let the tears fall, "I thought they'd just pass but…I can't deal with this right now Starsk. I…don't k-know w-what to do."

"Aw buddy," Starsky pulled Hutch so his friend was resting on his shoulder, "Don't worry about it, pal. We'll fix it."

Hutch nodded but remained silent.

"Let's head over to my place," The brunet suggested, "We'll catch up on some sleep. Maybe have something to eat?"

"Ok." Hutch sighed leaning his head against Starsky's. It was going to be hard the next few days, but he knew they could handle it together. Just the way they always had.

**Chapter 3**

"I'm not sure exactly how we're gonna deal with it, Captain," Starsky said over the phone, "Doc said Hutch should have lots of rest and I don't want him dealing with cases now."

"I understand," Dobey nodded, "Has Hutchinson talked about the shooting with you, Starsky?"

"No," Starsky sighed, "We never really talked about it. It was too hard to go through again and Hutch couldn't do it. Ya think maybe we should've?"

"All I know is that problems only get bigger when swept under the rug," Dobey replied, "You should both talk about. It'll do Hutch a lot of good to get that off his chest and it could help you out too."

"What do you mean?" Starsky asked confused.

"Starsky," Dobey sighed choosing his words carefully. He knew how difficult the subject was for both men, "You were unconscious for most of the ordeal, so you're not aware of what Hutchinson went through. It really tore him apart."

Starsky took a deep breath. He knew what Dobey was saying was right, but he wasn't sure how he was going to get Hutch to talk about it.

"Take as much time off as you need." Dobey spoke realizing Starsky wasn't going to answer.

"Thanks Captain," Starsky forced a smile, "I appreciate it."

"Just let me know when I can expect you two back." Dobey added.

Hutch suddenly came in with a handful of groceries.

"I'll talk to ya soon Captain. Bye." Starsky quickly hung up.

"What's up?" Hutch asked heading to the kitchen with the food.

"Huh?" Starsky frowned, "Oh, nothing. That was Captain."

"We got a case or something?" Hutch slipped off his jacket.

"No nothing like that." Starsky crossed the room to his partner and quickly slipped Hutch's jacket back on the blonde's shoulders.

"Starsk, what are you doing?" Hutch asked while Starsky grabbed his car keys.

"We're going for a ride." Starsky answered with a smile.

"Care to tell me why or where?" Hutch frowned.

Starsky came around and pulled his brother by the arm, "Just trust me, huh?"

Hutch smiled and ruffled the brunet's curls fondly, "You know I do."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Starsky refused to tell Hutch anything throughout the whole drive. Hutch soon realized however, that they were heading close by Metropolitan Division.

"Hey Starsk?" Hutch turned to his partner, "I thought you said Dobey didn't have a case for us?"

"He doesn't." Starsky replied.

Hutch quickly decided against questioning his friend anymore. Starsky had asked him to trust him and he would do just that.

Starsky pulled the Torino in the parking lot and waited a moment before speaking.

"You remember this place right?" He asked.

Hutch looked around and soon realized where they were.

"Starsk wha..."

"Hutch you can't kept on living like this," Starsky cut in, "I brought you here so that we could move forward form all this."

"Starsky," Hutch leaned his head back against the headrest, "Why are you doing this? Why can't you just let it be?"

"Because I can't take seeing you like this!"

"So you're forcing me to go back to the most terrible place in my mind?" Hutch shot back trying to keep the tears at bay.

"I am not trying to hurt you, Hutch," Starsky took his partner's hand in his, "But I know talking it over will help."

"Starsk…buddy I can't." The helplessness in his friend's voice tore at Starsky's heart.

"Yes you can," Starsky ran a hand through the golden hair, "You just gotta trust us, babe."

Hutch shook his head, tears streaming down his face freely now.

"You don't understand."

"Then make me understand, Hutch?" Starsky felt his own eyes burn with tears, "I don't know why you're so upset about something that was a pure accident?"

Hutch was silent.

Starsky got out of the car and came around to Hutch's side. He opened the door, but Hutch remained where he was.

"Hutch?" Starsky reached out a hand to him "We have to deal with this. I don't know what happened and I think after everything I went through I have a right to know."

Hutch was still for a moment and Starsky could see he was considering what he had just said. With a sigh the blonde got out.

"What do you want from me?" Hutch asked, "This is where it happened, what else can I tell ya?"

"How you felt?" Starsky looked at the familiar area. He didn't blame Hutch for how he felt. It scared him as well to be standing in the exact place where he was almost killed. Where they were almost separated.

"Come on Starsky," Hutch sighed, "How do you think I felt? You think I enjoyed any of this? I would've given anything to trade places with you!"

"Don't say that!" Starsky couldn't believe what he was hearing, "I took those bullets for you, so you wouldn't get hurt. That's all that was going through my mind."

Now it was Hutch's turn to be surprised.

"What are you saying?" He hoped that Starsky wouldn't say what he thought.

But Starsky did,

"Hutch don't you know I took those damn bullets for you."

Starsky noticed Hutch looked pale. He groaned and leaned back against the Torino.

Starsky was at his side in three strides.

"Hutch? Babe, what's the matter?"

But Hutch couldn't answer over the sobs that overcame him.

Starsky grabbed him in his arms and held on tight.

"Hutch please don't cry." But this only made Hutch cry harder till he was too exhausted to stand.

Starsky had to use all his strength to keep them from both falling to the ground.

"Come on blintz," Starsky soothed, "Ya gotta relax buddy. Easy now. It's ok."

Starsky continued whispering softly to his friend hoping it would help.

"What's wrong, babe?" The brunet asked once he knew Hutch had calmed down enough to speak.

"Nothing," Hutch shook his head and broke free from the embrace, "I'm sorry."

"You're not gonna pull that one on me, Hutchinson!" Starsky spoke sharply, "Something's obviously wrong and if you don't tell me what I'm gonna…"

"Starsky please drop it!" Hutch shouted.

There was a silence between both men.

"Hutch," Starsky grabbed Hutch by the shoulders and forced the blonde to look at him, "Your scaring me, buddy. Please tell me what is it?"

"It's nothing," Hutch sighed, "It's just being here a...and everything…it's too much, Starsk."

Starsky noticed the familiar stutter again.

"Don't you trust me anymore?" Starsky asked feeling as if his heart were breaking.

"You know I do." Hutch replied.

"I don't know nothing anymore," Starsky shot back, "We haven't talked since this all happened. Why?'

"Because I love you too much to tell you something that may break us apart!" Hutch shook his arm free and began walking back to the car.

Starsky ran after him and spun him around.

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?" He asked heart pounding in his chest from fear. The fear that caught his heart and the thought of their bond breaking apart.

"Nothing. Just forget it." Hutch walked the other way.

"Where ya going?"

"I'm walking home." Hutch shot back over his shoulder.

"Wait," Starsky caught up with him," I'll drive you."

**Chapter 4**

The drive home was quiet. Starsky didn't know what to say and Hutch wouldn't say anything.

The guilt that plagued his mind was overwhelming. He couldn't tell Starsky. He couldn't bear to cause the one person who meant more to him then life itself anymore pain. If Starsky found out, what would he think?

Starsky glanced at Hutch as he drove. His head was leaned back and he was facing the window. His eyes held this distress in them that Starsky couldn't remember being there before. His heart ached for his brother and he dearly wished to take away all the pain from the blonde. If only Hutch would tell him what was going on.

They parked in front of the house. They had moved in together since the shooting had happened. Hutch couldn't take being away from the brunet and Starsky did not want to be alone. It wasn't far from the Police Station but it was on a quiet neighborhood.

When they came in Hutch slipped off his jacket and went to the bedroom. Starsky debated letting him have some alone time. He quickly decided against it. He wasn't going to let Hutch handle this on his own. They had sworn loyalty to each other years ago, and he wasn't about to abandon that sacred promise.

He made his way to the bedroom and paused before entering. The doctor had ordered Hutch to rest and Starsky wasn't sure Hutch had really been getting a lot of sleep. Maybe he should let his friend rest.

Starsky went back to the kitchen. Hutch was gonna be hungry when he woke up.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Starsky was watching TV when Hutch stumbled out of the bedroom fatigued evident on his face.

"Hey." Starsky spoke quietly.

Hutch waved and headed for the kitchen. Starsky followed.

"Sleep well?" He asked watching Hutch sit down.

Hutch just nodded rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Want some coffee?" Starsky grabbed two mugs.

"Sure." Came the tired reply.

Starsky glanced at the blonde. Hutch looked like he hadn't slept at all, and Starsky wondered if he was still plagued by those horrid nightmares. Many times Starsky had been woken from his deep sleep to hear Hutch's screams. After awakening the blonde, Hutch would lie and say he was fine, but Starsky knew better. He wouldn't push his friend however, and settled just for staying with his brother for the night and Hutch would not object.

"How are you feeling?" Starsky couldn't keep the question from arising.

"Fine." Hutch didn't say anything more. What could he say? He didn't even feel like he should be sitting with his brother now.

Starsky sat down in the chair across from Hutch.

"Buddy, I know you don't want to talk about what happened, so I just want to ask you one thing."

Hutch said nothing waiting for his partner to speak.

"Is this my fault?"

Hutch felt as if his heart was just stabbed with a knife.

"What? No, buddy. Why would you think that?"

"I don't know…it's just," Starsky stood up and walked by the window, "Maybe taking care of me has been too much for ya. If it has I'm sorry, Hutch."

"Starsky," Hutch walked behind the brunet and hugged him, "It's not that…please don't ever think that."

"Well what am I suppose to think!" Starsky spun around to face him. Hutch could see tears forming in those indigo eyes he loved so much, "You've been so damn tired ever since I got shot! You don't sleep or eat! Maybe it would just be better if I left, then you would have to take care of my sorry ass anymore!"

"Don't you dare say that!" Hutch grabbed him by the arm and shook him, "Don't ever say that Starsky!"

Hutch eased his tight grip when he realized Starsky was openly crying. He grabbed the brunet in a tight embrace. Starsky continued to cry on the blonde's shoulder.

"Shhh," Hutch soothed, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you think…you're not a burden to me Starsk. I love you, mushbrain, and I'll always take care of you."

Starsky had stopped crying but he wouldn't dare leave the safe haven of his brother's arms.

"Don't you ever, ever, ever think that you're a burden to me, ok?" Hutch whispered.

Starsky nodded. He broke free form the embrace, but Hutch kept his arm around him.

"I'm sorry," Starsky wiped his sleeve across his cheek, "I...I just got to thinking maybe you wouldn't talk to me about any of this cause I was the problem."

Hutch sighed, "I'm so sorry babe. You're not the problem…you never have been. You're always my solution. I should've told you what was going on from the start."

"What do you mean?" Starsky frowned.

"Come here," Hutch led him to the couch and they both sat down, "Earlier you said you had the right to know about what was going on…and that made me think. You're right, you do have a right. This happened to you, and you should know why someone nearly killed you. I've been acting like I'm the only one battling this here, and I forgot…we don't handle things separately, we handle them together. I'm sorry…"

"Hey," Starsky squeezed his shoulder, "No guilt trips, ok."

"Ok," Hutch smiled, "When you got shot there was this emptiness in me. I…never really felt that before. Sure you've been almost killed before…but this time was different. I couldn't feel you anymore. Usually I can feel you fighting, but it's like you had given up."

Starsky noticed tears forming in his eyes.

"Everyone was saying how lucky you were to still be alive, but I…I felt so empty without you," Hutch brushed away a few fallen tears; "If you had left me…I don't know what I'd do. You're... the best friend I got. Your m-my brother...and I can't lose you."

Starsky couldn't take it anymore. He went over and grabbed Hutch, hugging close.

"Shhh, don't think like that," He whispered, "Everything's ok, now."

Hutch tried to get ahold of himself so he could finish.

"When you…died...I knew something was happening. I called Dobey and he said I had to get over, so I raced over to the hospital. When I ran in, everyone was staring at me shocked. Like I did something."

"You did, babe," Starsky caressed his cheek, "You saved my life. I couldn't feel anything, and then all of a sudden I knew you were there. I don't know how, but…I just knew. Then I felt like I had the strength to fight."

Hutch laughed, "We got some relationship, huh?"

"Just keeps getting better," Starsky smiled. His smiled soon faded however when he remembered something, "Hutch, what did you mean earlier when you said that something might break us apart?"

Hutch sighed, "I...I don't know how to tell ya this."

"What?" Starsky asked, "I'm not gonna be mad, Hutch."

"I was at the precinct last month; you were still in the hospital and… Dobey called me in the office. He showed me some files on the case we had against Gunther. We found out…" Hutch shook his head knowing he couldn't go on.

Starsky however couldn't let it slide. He came next to Hutch and put his arm around him.

"What'd you find blintz?"

"The hit was…paid a-and they mix up our n-names. They shot you, but…"

"Oh my God, Hutch!" Starsky's eyes filled with tears.

"I'm so sorry!" Hutch reached for him and fell in his arms weeping uncontrollably.

"They thought I was you," Starsky finished, "My God Hutch…how long have you known?"

"I...I found out after I came back from busting Gunther in San Francisco." Hutch buried his face in Starsky's curls.

"Hutch…why did you hide this from me?" Starsky asked brokenly as he openly wept.

"I don't know," Hutch cried, "I...couldn't tell you. I thought y-you'd hate me."

"Aw babe," Starsky held him tight, "I could never hate you. You mean the world to me. How could I be angry at you? It wasn't your fault. You saved my life by given me the strength I couldn't find."

"You got shot cause of me!" Hutch broke free from the embrace, "How can you even look at me after what I did?"

"Babe you did nothing wrong," Starsky insisted wiping the blonde's tears with his thumb, "I'm the one who didn't get down."

"I should've… jumped over the car and try to protect you," Hutch sighed, "I hid behind the damn car while you got shot. When I saw…you l-lying there like that, I thought I was gonna die. You were bleeding and I couldn't stop the pain. The ambulance didn't come right away, and you were crying in pain…I-I couldn't stop it. There was t-to m-much blood!"

Starsky realized Hutch was becoming hysterical. He knelt down in front of his partner and grabbed him by the arms.

"Hutch!" He shook him, "Snap out of it, buddy. It's ok. It's alright. It's over. We're here, safe and sound."

Hutch burst into tears again and Starsky held him.

"We didn't know," The brunet whispered, "It's not your fault."

"I'm sorry." Hutch sobbed out.

"Shhh," Starsky buried his face in the blonde's hair, "I would've taken those bullets for you all again. You mean that much to me, brother."

Hutch continued to cry and Starsky shifted over so he was laying the couch holding Hutch to his chest. He sang softly to him like a mother would do for her child. Soon Hutch was lulled to sleep by the rhythmic sound of his brother's heartbeat.

"Please don't blame yourself, Hutch," Starsky whispered to his sleeping friend, "You saved my life that day."

**Chapter 5**

Hutch awoke a few hours later. The troubles of the day had completely exhausted him. He looked at Starsky as he slept.

Their relationship amazed him at times. How had the fun-loving, tough, yet gentle brunet come to mean so much to him over the years? Hutch didn't question it. He was just content that it was that way.

"You awake?" Starsky asked with his eyes still closed.

"Yep." Hutch smiled.

Starsky opened his eyes and smiled.

"Feeling better?" He asked.

Hutch nodded, "I'm sorry about all this Starsk. It's just…when I found out the hit was for me, I felt like I was the one that shot you."

Starsky's heart ached for his friend.

"Aw buddy, don't say that," He pulled him against his chest, "Don't you know you're the one that kept me living."

Hutch laid back, "I know. I guess I was just doing my guilt trips again. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Starsky ruffled his hair, "And don't feel guilty. None of this was your fault."

Hutch smiled. The love between them seemed to make his heart dance. A connection was clearly shared between them.

"I love you." Starsky whispered.

"I love you too." Hutch squeezed the brunet's hand.

"Come on," Starsky smiled getting up, "I'll let you beat me at another game of Monopoly."

Hutch laughed, "You'll let me? I don't even have to try mushbrain."

Starsky laughed and pulled him up. He pulled him close and hugged him as both men found themselves laughing. Their bond was not broken, but stronger.


End file.
